EVANS, GA — The willfully abusive behavior of Augusta-area claims adjuster and toxic little man, Jerry
Wilkes, has been directly responsible for causing the resignations of a full 18 essential and non-essential
workers since the pandemic began, sources confirmed last Friday. “Look, the lib-tards and Hollywood Elite
can take their ‘plandemic’ and shove it up their asses, as far as I’m concerned,” said a wide-eyed Wilkes,
who along with a trail of job resignations is also solely at fault for breaking up at least five of his friends’
and families’ marriages, along with three of his own. “If some pissant who’s making $10 an hour at the
Publix thinks she can get me to wear a mask, you better believe I’m going to yell at her, her manager,
and the security guard until at least one of ‘em cries.” Since COVID began making headlines in early
2020, the self-proclaimed “pro-freedom warrior” has let every paid employee he encounters know that
he refuses to self-isolate, social distance, wear a mask, or tip more than 5%, if he tips at all. And while
Wikes takes pride in the results of his actions, others feel he shouldn’t get too much credit. “Oh yeah,
that angry little guy with the camo hat and all the Confederate Flag bumper stickers on his truck is a
huge jerk for sure,” said former Grovetown Ace cashier Sheila Wolverton, who left her job shortly after
Wilkes visited the store and coughed in her face in late August of this year. “But I mean, I didn’t quit
because of him alone. We had to deal with way bigger jerks, like that guy who spit in our GM’s ear
canal for telling him to stay behind the plastic divider.” At press time, Wilkes announced his plans to
visit the Waffle House and lecture the server, busboy, and whoever else happens to be in shouting
distance about the connection between 5G and vaccine mandates — after which he will leave a 57
cent tip.
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